How funny is it that I had this email forward waiting for me in my inbox when I returned from the doctor this morning?
MY NEW DOCTOR
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…GOOD!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! … Foods fried in vegetable oil.. How getting more vegetables bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION…..
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
¡perdón! No hablo inglés- solamente español.
Reírse a carcajadas!
(ok, so I used translation software and couldn’t figure out how to do the upside down exclamation point – but I WAS able to translate your hilarious comment all by myself!!)
Don’t feel too bad- I had to use Google to translate part of it myself, as well as your own comment (LOL). They’re the ones who provided me with the punctuation as well- cut ‘n paste did the rest. 🙂
Since I have blood from elsewhere in the UK, how about:
Aiféala orm! Ní féidir liom Béarla nó Spáinnis, Gaeilge amháin.
Google tells me that’s Irish for “Sorry! I don’t speak English or Spanish, only Irish.”
Je nais comprend pas! Ca c’est tres drole 😀
“I am born not understand” – that is the translation I got from google. The rest of it would not translate. I have not had any French, so…
BTW – it said SPEAKING English is what kills you, didn’t say anything about what language to type in…
We are all such dorks!! 😉
Hmm, I guess I will just have to live with it, I only speak one language. But the Dr. makes a lot of sense to me.