Just read a comic strip that involves a widower. His new love interest said the following words to him: “today was special… Because it was the first time I didn’t see Lisa in your eyes.”. Ok, that did it. Something in me tripped, and I knew I had a rant to write.

So many problems with those thoughts. But let’s go back a bit in the life of a widow, widower, and just about everyone else. If you are not a hermit, there is a good chance that you will meet people who have great influence in your life. Whatever lessons you learn, you keep them close to your heart and mind. These things are important to you and they become part of who you are. To remove them is to remove part of your being.

Now, take the situation of a widow/widower who had a good relationship. (this was the situation of the characters in the comic strip, and my life for what it is worth.). They spent a good many years with on person, and that influence was immense. Then at some point, the relationship is torn apart and the surviving party only has memories to see them through what ever lies ahead.

The relationship, the following period of grief, and everything else that follows becomes part of who you are. But your only connection to your best friend, lover, parent to your children is in the memories you retain. If you believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul than a reflection of your dead spouse remans and is reflected out. It is a part you don’t want to lose.

I guess if I heard those words from someone I felt close to, I would need an explanation. The reflections of my late wife that you may see in my eyes, made me who I am. I am not looking to remove or replace those memories. I’m looking to build new memories. Hopefully the new memories will build on and add to the old memories. The minute I feel that someone is trying to replace my memories is the time I say so long.

What you see in me today is the result of all of my experiences in life. I cannot remove parts of my past and remain the same person I am today. I cannot live life tomorrow without changing who I will be. What you see in me tomorrow, is the result of all I experienced through today.

Rant over.

While traversing through the world of Facebook this morning I came across a status that got me thinking again. Thanks!!

How do you know when you’ve met the “one”?

Now I came back with my first rough answer, but the question got me thinking. Once this started I knew that i would have a blog post by some time this evening.

First let’s start with the meaning of the “one”. Most people would take that to be a life partner. Someone you could spend the rest of your days with. Usually people have the underlying thought that this should be a good relationship. And one would think that with a name such as “the one”, it would be a fairly rare occurrence. It has to be hard to find “the one”, doesn’t it? I certainly hope not, and I don’t think so.

So just what is required? From my experience, I think you have to be open to finding a relationship. You may or may not be actively looking, but you have to be actively open to one. I think this is the hardest thing to do, because to really be open, you have to give a little more of yourself if you ever expect to find a relationship. The people you are looking for the relationship with also have to be open to one. Finding out who those people are can also be a difficult task.

So, you’ve taken that first step. You decided to give it a go. You find someone you are interested in, and it seems like they are interested in you. Is that the one? Maybe. Yes, maybe! Right from the start? Yes, right from that very first meeting. BUT (notice that is a big but), you need to take the time to learn about each other. How much time depends on a lot of things, but it could be days, months or years. Yes, it can and does vary that much.

How do you know, when is it apparent? I think that all happens when BOTH (see the highly important both here?) of you can answer the following questions with a big YES.

1) Can we talk about anything? No subject is taboo? Are you comfortable when conversing on all subjects?
This one is a big deal. If you can’t open up in a conversation, can you open up in other areas?

2) Do similar interests? Do you have fun doing the same things?
Basically asking are you compatible in life.

3) Do you have different interests? Are you willing to share or accept the differences? Are you willing to let each other have the time for activities outside of what you do together?
How bad are your green-eyed monsters. Jealousy destroys many relationships.

4) Are you willing to die for each other? Are you both willing to put the other first?
Just asking, how much are you willing to give. If you’re not willing to give everything you have, I don’t feel you found your “One”. I don’t mean you have to die for each other, but the willingness needs to be there.

Good, fulfilling relationships are about giving and receiving. Not give and take. Each person gives to the best of their ability and resources. Each person receives in kind. There should never be an expectation of getting something back when you do something for each other. In doing this you find that part of your giving, is making sure that neither gives too much. As with most things in life, balance is very important. When two people decide that they want this kind of relationship, then they have found their “ones”.

When the girls were growing up, they had their share of bad dreams, monsters under the bed or in the closet. At one point during all of this, I gave a daughter one of my stuffed dragons. I had quite the collection of stuffed dragons. They were out numbered by the stuffed raccoons, but I didn’t buy the dragons.

One fateful, and apparently dreadful, night I gave my daughter a little stuffed dragon. I told her how it would protect her from all the scary things at night. Dragons, of course, can breathe fire, and attack all the scary things in the room. This little dragon would do all it could to keep my little girl safe. It worked, and there were far less scary dreams or things that went bump in the night.

The dragon was passed to the next daughter and so on. My youngest still has him sitting on her bed. Her nightmares seem to be under control.

As it happens, my darling granddaughter was having nightmare/monster problems. I went out to pick up a dragon to protect her from the bumpy night things. I think I’ll need to ask how it is going with that little dragon.

Another little thing in life, that seemed to make a difference.

Many years ago, when my oldest daughter was my only daughter I took her to a movie. She was being a bit of a handful at home, and my dear wife was confined to bed rest with limited mobility. The circumstances requiring that rest are for a different time, this is a bit more light hearted. With that said I embarked with my 3.5 year old daughter for a day of father/daughter fun.

Fun was a conditional word for the day. My darling little girl would not sit still for much of anything. She was (and still is) on the go most of the time. The only thing I know of that does slow her down is a good book. At that time, good books only lasted 5 to 10 minutes tops. My wife questioned my decision of taking her to a movie, but since she wasn’t going to be there, she wished me good luck as I left the apartment.

The conversation on the way to the theater went something like this:

“What is a movie Daddy?”
“It is kind of like your cartoons, without the commercials.”
“But, I like commercials Daddy, they show me all the new toys.”
“I think you will like the movie.”
“What is the movie about Daddy?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. It has bears in it.”
“I like bears. Are these friendly bears, I only like friendly bears.”
“Well, it is called “The Care Bears Movie”, so I think they are friendly.”
“WHAT is a Care Bear? Is it like a polar BEAR? You know, the white ones.”
“No, not a polar bear, these bears are blue, pink, and other colors.”
“I’ve never seen a pink bear. I think I will like that one. Will there be red ones? I like red. I like blue too. I wonder if there are purple bears. I would like to meet a purple bear. Do you think I will ever meet a purple bear Daddy?. That would be neat. I think a purple bear would be lots of fun. I wonder if the bears growl. Do you think they growl Daddy? Most bears growl you know. Bears are big and they eat meat. Did you know they eat meat. I saw the bears at the zoo eat fish and other stuff. The fish wasn’t cooked. Did you know they don’t cook the food for bears? I wonder if there are other animals in the movie. I like all kinds of animals. Mommy likes Raccoons. I like them too. They always wear masks. Did you know that you can’t take off a Raccoon’s mask Daddy?…..”

Yes, my daughter just started rambling after a bit. Funny how that didn’t change much. I don’t think I had much to say after she started going. If this was going to be the way the afternoon went, the movie was going to be really long. We got to the theater and it was packed full of very young children and their frazzled parents or grandparents. I’m sure there were a couple of frazzled friends, uncles and aunts around too. The theater was just full of noisy, energetic children.

And then the movie started. There was a pre-movie to the main feature. If I recall correctly it was a “Rainbow Brite” short. The kids, if possible got louder during that short. It didn’t seem to hold anyones attention. I was glad it was a short film, and that the main film was just over an hour.

But then the main feature started. I’m not sure how it started, it has been a while since I’ve seen it, but a hush fell over the theater. Every child in the room was staring at the screen. It was amazing. As the children started to get a bit antsy, the movie switched course. As they got scared, it switched course again. The attention of all of the children was rapt during the 77 minutes of the movie. My attention was on the course of the movie and the affect it had on the audience. I had never been in a movie that seemed to be completely made for its target audience. I was impressed. I heard similar ponderings from other parents as we left the theater. I would have to tell this to my dear wife. If it had been possible, it would have amazed her too. My daughter, fell in love with Care Bears that day….

At some later date, we were doing a bit of shopping. At the checkout counter there was a package of “Care Bear” underwear in my daughter’s size. I said to my lovely wife that we should get some for the dear daughter. I was told that she didn’t need them. This wasn’t about need, it was about giving her something she would really like. The cost wasn’t much. They weren’t the best, and wouldn’t last that long. But they would make a little girl happy for a while. Little things like that can really make a difference. I’m not sure my wife understood at the time. She hadn’t seen the movie yet, and it seemed like a silly thing to get. Of course it was silly. It was a spur of the moment decision. That’s why they put those things at the check out counters.

As it turned out, I was entirely correct in my assumption that they would be accepted with glee. I think we had to go out to get at least one more set, since they were the underwear of choice for a long time.

Little things in life make lasting impressions. My daughter will still tell of getting the “Care Bear” underwear to this day. She remembers if from all those years ago. The reason behind the first father/daughter movie day is still etched in my brain, but the results of that day are engraved with a deeper groove. Time spent with those you love. Sharing things that you enjoy. Sharing new experiences. Little things that grow into bigger things. They become family stories. They shape our memories.

Little things in life don’t take much effort, but the reward can be great.

I hope the little things in your life were good memories. I know that “little things” do not have to be good things, but I find as I look back I remember fewer of the bad things. Memories are like that. For that I am thankful.

As a side note, the three of us went to see that movie one more time. Little one wanted to share it with her mommy. The same thing happened in the theater again. In all these years, I’ve never seen that reaction to a movie again. Maybe that isn’t such a little thing after all.

So far April has been a time for family. I was able to see all of my daughters at one time. This is rather difficult since one of them lives in Florida. I wish we would have had time for dinner together, but that did not happen. Time seems to get in the way. Lives have to be lived. My daughters are now all adults (even the youngest WOW!), so they have their own priorities. Of course they had their priorities when they were younger, but let’s just say thier parents’ priorities overruled the wishes of the children. Now, as adults, they have more to say on what they do. This is as it should be. I may not like the choices they make, but they need to make their own way.

The hardest thing for a parent to do is let his/her children live their own lives as adults. I no longer have final approval on their activities. I can no longer press my will on them. I do let them know what I think. I’ve never been shy about that with them. I will give my advice when asked, or if I really feel it is needed. The choice to follow it, is theirs. I try not to intrude, as I say they are all adults.

Those thoughts filled the early days of April. It seemed just as my daughter and her family headed back to Florida, they two youngest were in a play. I spent most of two weekends at the theater watching them sing and dance. Family members from near and far came to see the show. I was happy to see all of them at the show. So far, April has been a time for family, and it will continue next week for Easter. As I get older, it seems that family becomes more important than it was before. Of course, the very thought of family becoming more important to me would not have made much sense 10-15 years ago. I always held my family as important. It just seems that I found that sense of importance grows every year.

It was wonderful to see all the family I did. I’m sorry I missed seeing a few. And I miss the many who are no longer with us.

Hold your family to your heart. Treat each meeting with love and respect, as you will never know when you will see them next.

The next story will be totally made up from bits and pieces of the stories I heard about the road trip….

Many years ago, my oldest daughter was around 9 (almost 10) and the next daughter was 5. They took a road trip out to California with their grandparents. It was the oldest’s second trip out. What I remember from the stories is that the youngest on the trip would be able to find any McDonalds, even with her eyes closed. They were able to visit relatives. There were fireworks, but somebody slept through them. I think Uncle Butch had a Hot Tub. There littlest sister was born that year (I think). If the little sister is correct, then a new cousin was waiting for them in California. It has been so long, I think I need input from the people who actually went. I have bits and pieces in my memory, and it must have been some road trip for the grandparents. Maybe, just maybe I will transpose different people and really make the thing up. 😉

Ready for a road trip of my own…

A complete story this time. Some who have heard it before, may see a different spin on it.

It was a warm sunny day in the early spring. A young mother was waiting for her daughter to get home from kindergarten. Her youngest was getting rambunctious and really needed her older sister to play with. It was a trying time for the mother, she spent most of her day alone with only children to talk to. If you’ve ever been the parent of young children, you can understand the yearning for adult conversation. Yes, motherhood could be trying, but to see the smiles in her children’s eyes made it all worthwhile.

Little Katie finally made it home from school with a big “Hi Mommy, I’m home.”

Hugs were given and received. Lunch was served and eaten. The two girls went off to play. Finally, the mother could get some things done. There was laundry to do of course, but she really wanted some time to sit with a project she had going. Who knows what the project was for the day. It could have been anything from finishing a dress for one of her children, or knitting a blanket for someone’s new baby. These were much easier to handle when the two girls were playing together. And with the older one gone part of the day, it seemed like they didn’t have as many fights.

It didn’t take too long before the girls wanted to go outside. It had been wet and rainy recently, and this was the first sunny day in a long time. Jenny came to ask her mother if she could go outside with her sister.

“As long as you don’t get your clothes dirty, you can go out to play.” , was her mother’s reply. And she returned to her project.

It didn’t take long before Katie came into the room and wanted to use the hose. Of course her her mother said, “No Katie, I don’t want you to touch the hose.”.

Slightly saddened, Katie went back outside to play.

A long time passed, the project was finished and it was quiet. Too quiet. From some premonition that some parents get, she knew that something wasn’t quite right. The mother went outside to see what was going on with her two darlings.

She found them. Oh yes, she found them kneeling in a puddle, covered with mud and the hose was running, slowly making the puddle bigger. They were playing, splashing and laughing. They didn’t see their mother come up to them.

With her temper rising, the mother first asked her youngest daughter, “Why are your clothes dirty? I thought I told you not to get them dirty.”

Jenny’s response was “But these aren’t my clothes mommy, Katie said I could wear hers.”

Her mother looked and sure enough, the clothes were a bit too big.

“What about you young lady? I told you not to touch the hose.”

“But mommy,” piped in Jenny again, “Katie didn’t touch the hose. I’m a big girl now, I can turn on the hose myself.”

What was a mother to do? Her daughters followed her instructions exactly. Oh yes, the letter of the law was stretched, but the elastic didn’t break. What would she do?

Firmly she said “Stay here!” to her daughters. She went inside. Her daughters trembled with a little fear. Of course they knew their mother was mad. They had no idea of what was to come. They didn’t like thinking about it, but they didn’t want to make matters worse, so they stayed right where they were.

In a few minutes the young mother came out again. In her hands, she held a camera. Pictures of two very muddy girls were taken. Excess mud was rinsed off. Baths were taken. Snacks eaten. All was right with this little family. The rest of the day was as normal as any other.

May you find, as this family did, that it is usually best to keep your temper, and try to find something good in every situation.

It was a fairy tale life. Everything went well for them. They had beautiful, loving daughters. They had a roof over their heads, and food on the table. They were living their happily ever after. Now don’t get me wrong, the two were not a king and queen. They weren’t even a prince and princess. They had no royal blood to speak of, but they had each other. This meant that they had everthing.

As their children grew, they knew that they would need to adjust their lives to accommodate knowing each other again. They started when the youngest was almost five years old. They made time to be friends again. During this time they talked of their children, of course. Their daughters were an important part of their lives, and their well being was discussed often. But they also talked about themselves. They talked about their problems and joys. Most of all they talked about their futures.

I will have to say that the future looked bright for this pair. Everyone who knew them would have said the same thing. It was funny, but they really seemed to be on the same page. Most of the time, if you saw one of them, the other would not be far away. They liked it that way. Together, they were more than they could be apart.

…

This is one of those days, a day made special. What makes it special? Not much going on, other than a breakfast of pancakes, sausage and real maple syrup. My little family looks forward to this day all year. The pancakes are pretty ordinary. The sausage is usually top notch. The maple syrup is locally produced heaven in a bottle. In all of that, the day is just another day. But for my little family, this day is special. It has been special for many years.

I’m not sure what year it began, but our little town has a Maple Syrup Fest every spring. This was not the first maple syrup festival I went to, but it has been one that I’ve been to the most. Our local Maple Syrup Producers use this day to advertise their product, and share it with the community. An educational day, to see how the syrup is produced. Of course you get to taste the finished product in many forms. But really, once you’ve seen it a few times, you could give the tour yourself. Again, not much there to make it special is there? But for us the day is still special.

You may ask yourself why. I have many times. The answer is quite simple. We took an ordinary event and made it that way. We found a shared joy in family and friends. A simple task of sharing a meal of sticky sweet syrup, combined with a wagon ride to see a few maple trees. A choice was made to make this day a little different than the rest.

This day had its beginnings in the shadow of a slight bit of depression. It was a day to help someone get out of the “winter blues”. One year, a choice was made to get out and enjoy an earlier spring day. And so, our yearly visit to a maple syrup festival was born. It became the thing to do in early spring. It continued, year after year, to be a source of fun for the entire family.

Other days were added to that list, not just in spring time, but all year round. Not just to combat a bit of the seasonal blues, although that was on the top of the list, but to enjoy family and the company of others. We make those days special.

This is very important in life. We go along day by day. We do the same things over and over again. We go to work or school, we come home after the day has ended and we wait to start all over the next day. How boring that would be if that was all we did. But our society made some special days. Most of us call them the weekend. Days outside of the ordinary. Days we look forward to. I also think we need to add extraordinary days. Something to anticipate. Something to hold in heart. Those days need to be shared. They can be shared with family or friends. They are days that lift the heart and the mind. We make them that way and those days find their way into our stories and shared experience.

Some of the special days were started and shared with just one person. Those days are no longer shared, but the still hold a comfortable place in my life. They were days we made together.

A very important life lesson was learned many years ago. Any day can be special. Any day can be held above the rest. We look for those days and hold them dear, because we made them. They are ours. Maybe this is part of seizing the day?

…. To be continued…

I’m have a lot of things flowing through my brain this evening. Instead of what I was going to write about, I have to say just a little bit about a sad little grey donkey.

If you’ve read Milne’s Pooh stories, you know that Eeyore is a sad little donkey. It always seems that there is a dark cloud hanging over his head. He had nobody to remember him on his birthday, until he said something about it. He lost his tail. He was bounced into a river. And he didn’t have a house during a snowstorm.

Only Eeyore could see the benefit of a broken balloon, the fact that there wasn’t a earthquake during the snowstorm. But in all this, he was very happy to have his tail back. A useful item just made for swishing about.

May you find good in all things, optimism during dark times, and have something to swish around just for fun.