Those Beautiful Fall Days

If you were in NW Ohio, NE Indiana or Southern Michigan today, you probably had beautiful fall weather. Warm without being too hot, nice breeze and wispy clouds. And I noticed that some of the leaves have started to change color. We are still a few weeks off from most trees turning red, gold and brown, but it is starting. Some of the early changers have started too lose their leaves. Just a beautiful time…

Except, I still remember the good days from 6 years ago. The days before the intense shoulder pain slowed my wife’s days to a crawl. The good days that soon turned ugly.

I remember that it was about now that I should be holding my new grandson. But the days turned ugly.

I remember the last few days of my Mom’s life from many years ago now. She didn’t know what was coming her way in the waining days of October 2000. And my father, one year later, going through things that I didn’t understand then, but I really do understand them now. While his health wasn’t very good when mom died, he could have lived many years with a bit of luck. My feeling is that his heart broke at the one year mark, and nothing would fix that. After my stress related illnesses of my first few years of being a widower, I can tell you that that takes a toll.

All this happened in those beautiful days of fall. For the past 5 years, I didn’t see much of the beauty. I realized it was there, but other thoughts would push the beauty of the season out of my thoughts. The older thoughts don’t weigh as heavily on my mind now, and for a moment I saw the beauty of the day. Then I noticed my arms were empty…. My daughter and son-in-law have empty arms too. And I wonder when will I see fall again, without its ever present shadow?

justj