Tonight was an evening of celebration. I had a wonderful time with a bunch of friends celebrating a very special occasion. I’m sure someone else’s blog will give a complete rundown of the events, so I won’t here. But I did enjoy myself. This post is not about that joy and celebration, but more a feeling of loss, when later events happened.
For the past few years, I’ve always had a few bittersweet feelings at wedding and anniversary celebrations. These were events that would remind me of what I lost. This was the very first such event in the past five years that I did not have the deep feeling of loss. Two of my daughters were married and those events nearly knocked me flat emotionally.
It has been over 5 years since I last held my wife in my arms. 5 years when the wedding vows were fulfilled. You never really think about that clause “until death do us part”. At least not until it happens. Today at the celebration, I did not think about the loss I had, only the joy being shared. A good evening.
But then it happened. I was waiting for my youngest daughter to finish up a game, so I did some shopping at the 24 hour place. I ran into a man who I knew and, I haven’t seen him in over 5 years. He did not know of my wife’s death. The question “How is your wife?” blew me out of the water. I wasn’t expecting to have to tell that to anyone in this area. I live in a small community, I really thought everyone knew.
The comfortable day took a drastic turn with one short question. Emotions filled my every thought. I hesitated on the answer. It was like a punch in the gut. We then shared a few memories and parted. Slowly, the flood of feelings calmed. This is the way of life and death. The memories of our past can warm us as well as send chills down our spines. Those we loved live on through us, and in the stories we tell. In that I found some peace
“Just when you thought…” Yep…I so get that.
I’m coming up on the 5yr death-versary of my DH and can so relate to your post.
Amazing that certain situations can trigger our grief emotions, even after years have passed.
It has only been 6 months for me since I lost the man I so deeply loved. I fear often that I will forget him. Altough it pains me to hear that deep emotions still affect you at times even 5 years down the road, it brings me some comfort to know, that I can and never will forget him…but I will someday be able to remember him and our love in a way that it won’t always bring me this constant pain as it has over these last 6 months. Thanks for openly sharing such personal feelings.
Diana
Diana
Welcome to my blog page.
As far as remembering my wife, there are things I do forget, and things I do remember. We had 20 years together, and that is a very good portion of my life. The very best years of my life, how could I forget all of that?
Sharing my feelings? That is part of why I have the blog. For the most part, people who read here know me, or have found this site and had some connection. I use the blog to clear out some of the thoughts. I found once they are written, I can see them clearly.
Deep emotions are part of being human. I’m not sure I was hurting for myself, or the person I was speaking to. My wife was genuinely well liked by most people she met. Her death affected many people. And we always thought we were kind of like hermits. I guess a well placed smile and actual caring for people goes a long way.
I’m really glad you were able to enjoy the celebratory part of the evening. It meant so much to us to have you there. Thanks for recording it for us – I was worried about making you do that if the event was going to be bittersweet for you – I am SO happy it wasn’t. Thank you.
It was cool seeing you again on Friday, J.